Excerpt from Chapter Six, MARRIAGE: Loving ME ...

Because even within the bounds of a marital relationship, the self-centered focus of our society corrupts our vision and expectations.  Mark Gungor does an excellent job of depicting that in his book, “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage.”  In writing about the “Laws of Marriage Physics,” Gungor lays bare some of the selfish expectations both men and women have when they say “I do.” 

First, the expectation of easy.  One of the ways we pretend to know we’ve met “the one” is by how easy it is to get along.  We don’t really fight or bicker with the one we’ve fallen for.  We are overly patient and understanding.  The newness of the relationship makes us hurt when we’re apart and experience massive amounts of excitement when we anticipate the next time we see one another.  In blissful ignorance, we assume that’s how good relationships are supposed to be.  And so when we encounter rough patches in our marriages, we start imagining that maybe it isn’t “right” after all...that maybe we’ve made a mistake.  Maybe we were too blinded by infatuation and didn’t think about some of the red flags that we should have seen.  And since we’ve already accepted the lie of the world that there is only one person in the world that fits us – our “soul mate” – it’s natural and logical to pull the ripcord and bail out when the relationship is no longer easy.

Ignoring the fact that nothing worthwhile ever comes easily, we think a successful and happy marriage should.  You don’t become a professional sports star without hard work.  You don’t become a business tycoon without hard work.  You don’t become a life-saving neurosurgeon without hard work.  But we think we can have an all-star marriage without any commitment or sacrifice.  It’s silly.  And selfish.  Even though it runs counter to everything we experience in our lives, we believe it. 

I am amazed every time I think about a gentleman who I regard as one of the greatest Bible minds I’ve ever known personally.  He spent hours upon hours of every day studying the Word of God, understanding it, cross referencing Scripture, reading commentaries and writing them.  He illuminated passages that I could never make sense of and connected things from the Old Testament to the New Testament in profound ways.  He was the very definition of a diligent and committed student of the Word.  But he was divorced.  And he was divorced because he was “too in love with God and invested in His Word” to apparently love his wife and invest in her the way God expects.  Now forget the irony of a Christian man failing God in his responsibility as a husband because he was overly devoted to God as a student, and think about it in a general context.

Why are so many people who have worked so unbelievably hard to achieve earthly success divorced?  Undoubtedly there would be extenuating reasons for each, but it would be widely accurate to say that in many cases, the work they put into their marriage paled in comparison to the work they put into their jobs.  And why would they do that?  Why would driven people be so lazy when it comes to something so obviously in need of attention, care and affection? 

Because they expect it to be easy.  And when it’s not, they resent the idea that they should have to give of themselves to make things better.  They already sacrifice enough of themselves on the football field, in the boardroom, the library or the lab.  At home, it’s to be about them.  Marriage is all about ME.

Secondly, the expectation of happiness.  The most misunderstood phrase in American rhetorical history may well be Thomas Jefferson’s proclamation in the Declaration of Independence that we Americans profess a God-given right to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”  Look around you and you’ll see a shortened version written onto bumper stickers, bracelets, signs and placards.  We even had a doormat for several years with the words emblazoned on it, “Life, liberty and happiness.”  See, the “pursuit” part indicates effort is required, and we prefer to think we have a “right” to be happy.  And even though that is not what Jefferson said, it’s what we say.  And it’s what Sheryl Crow sings: “If it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad.”

And as any good, self-serving people would do, we have translated this expectation over into marriage.  We have come to believe that the purpose of marriage is to make us happy.  People who are happy before marriage expect their spouse to make them even happier.  People who were bitter old bags before their nuptials expect the wedding band to magically transform their lives into pure joy.  Marriage is where we are fulfilled and pleased, served and satisfied.  It’s where elusive happiness can finally be obtained.  Just pay attention to the raging debate over so-called gay ‘marriage’ and you’ll hear it peppering the arguments: “Why are you denying these people the right to be happy?” 

But what if marriage wasn’t about our fulfillment, but instead a place where we are to work daily to fulfill the needs of someone else?  Whoa, that sounds foreign to us, doesn’t it?  Why would we ever want to bind ourselves to the task of pleasing another person and meeting their needs for the rest of our lives?  We ask that, even though the reality of our marriages reveal that is exactly what we expect our spouse to do for us.

I had to laugh at myself just a few months ago when Jen announced that she had to take our son to get his pictures taken on a Sunday afternoon following church.  Without thinking, I actually got mad about it.  I was frustrated because that meant that I would be in charge of feeding and putting our girls down for naps, which during football season translates to missing the games.  Before I even realized what I was doing, I rolled my eyes, let out a big sigh and said, “Oh, how lovely.”  Jen turned around and said, “Um, is that a problem?”  And in what amounts to a gold medal performance in selfishness I came back with, “Well, I work all week and you know that Sunday is my one day I like to have for myself.  I don’t ask much, but I just want to have Sunday afternoons to watch football.  But it’s fine.  I’ll just miss the games.”

Before I’d even finished the complaint, I felt like a real horse’s rear end.  A few things began to dawn on me.  First, I don’t just want Sunday afternoons to watch football.  I want all day on Sunday, not to mention Saturday college football, as well as Monday and Thursday night football as well.  And usually, Jenny always finds a way to let me watch as much as I want.  Second, what exactly was my objective here?  Was I lobbying for her to take the girls with her, juggling two out-of-control toddlers while trying to get an infant to stay happy for the camera, just so I could lay on the couch and watch a game?  Third, was I somehow under the impression that because Jen stays home with the kids all day that she doesn’t “work all week” too?  My mere objection to having to keep the two-girl wrecking crew for an afternoon should be enough to remind me of what she deals with 24/7...and it’s far more stressful than my “work.”  And finally, where did I ever get the notion that I – or anyone – gets the chance to ask for a day off from being a spouse or parent?  Is that written down somewhere in the eternal constitution of things?  And if so, when is her day off?

I felt like an idiot.  Probably because I was really being one.  But I know I’m not alone.  How much time do husbands spend out on a boat when they know they need to get home?  How many extra hours do they work at the office to avoid the chaos of suppertime with family?  And how many hours do some wives spend shopping and indulging themselves while putting their family priorities well below any position of prominence?  It’s our self-gratifying tendency that promotes personal happiness above sacrificial love.  The problem with that is the latter cultivates marital bliss while the former strangles it.

Gungor admonishes us,

“I know this will sound harsh to many, but the truth is, our wedding vows aren’t really seen as vows anymore.  A vow is a solemn promise, something that binds a person for life.  Sadly, our marriage vows have been domesticated into pretty words spoken in a lovely ceremony, apparently more for show than for substance.  For many people, they mean absolutely nothing.  Pretty words are easily discarded when things get ugly and life is no longer pretty.

‘For better or for worse,’ the vows say.  But people don’t mean it.  I know because I have so many come and tell me they are getting a divorce because things are so ugly – worse than they ever imagined.  I always look at them and ask, ‘So, when you said ‘for better or for worse,’ what exactly did you think worse meant?’

‘Yeah,’ they say slowly as they try to overlook the shocking implications of my question.  ‘But I didn’t know it would be like this!  I didn’t know (s)he would make me so unhappy!’”

Because remember, marriage is where we’re supposed to be guaranteed a life of happiness.  We deserve it.  Don’t forget, marriage is all about ME...